Joy Comes in the Morning?

It's 10:45 PM. I need to get some sleep. Last night I barely made two hours. I couldn't get our impending referral out of my mind. I've never had trouble sleeping through the course of this adoption until now. At 3 AM I finally got up to check my email. Not yet.

I hate bedtime. It makes me feel nervous. Somehow in the busyness of my day I am able to keep my thoughts and feelings about this whole thing at arms length. It's not that I don't think about it. I do, Jubilee is only a few moments away from any given thought. It's just that I can find distraction in my children, tasks and routines. At night though, when everyone is tucked away and the house is quiet, when darkness falls and everything is still, I can hardly stand it. I dread going to bed, for fear that the referral still won't be there, another day, another week, another month. I fight feelings of frustration, impatience and many other negative tones. I don't know why at night it is so much harder to focus and trust in God's sovereignty over the situation. But it is. I have to intentionally remind myself that God is God and everything that happens in my life (seeming good, bad or otherwise) will work together for good, because I love Him and am called according to His purpose.

I am not an awesome trusting Christian. I'm not really even a little good at it. But I want to be that girl. The one who knows who she is and who her Father is, the one who locks her knees and stands straight up against any gust of wind that tries to knock her down. The one who doesn't have her fingers gripped around her life, because it's not really hers anyway.