Day 10

My youngest son is two years old. One of his toys is a square, wooden box with cut-out shapes in every side. The object of the game is to fit the correct cut-out in it's corresponding hole. This is an endless source of frustration for him, as he cannot seem to wrap his mind around the concept. He'll have the square in hand and with all passion, he will relentlessly try to shove it into the circle hole. Soon his shoulders will sag, tears will spring from his blue eyes and he will quit, defeated. As his mother, I can see the question and answer very plainly. I try to gently direct his hand, but he will refuse to be helped.

Yesterday is a day I'd rather not re-live. From the moment my eyes fluttered awake until I crawled wearily back into bed everything was off. I felt as Maddox, peg in hand, trying fit every problem in my life in it's correct place. And as my son, my small mind can't quite wrap around the answers I seek in my life. I barely can understand what shape I am holding let alone in which slot it will fill. My shoulders sagged. Tears sprung from my blue eyes, and in my heart I quit, defeated.

This morning I think about this day that is spreading out before me. I think about the dilemmas in my life, the obstacles I have felt were impossible to overcome. I look out the window. I think of God, my father, who pulled each one of the trees up from the soil, who carries the wind through them with His breath, who pinched the mountain peaks that I see standing in the distance like clay in his hand, who made the world, who calls me- a small speck of humanity, by name, who knows every shape in my heart, who knows it's place.

Today I am not going to push my Father's help away. I am going to trust Him and wait for him to direct my hand. Its exhausting to fight for control that isn't really available to me.

There was no referral brightening my in-box. And I have no answers for many other things in my life, but this morning- I really don't give a rip. I'm going to be fine. Jubilee's going to be fine. My life is going to be fine. I am daughter of the shape keeper.