Toes in Water, Hair in Wind

I said in my heart, ‘I am sick of four walls and a ceiling. I have need of the sky. I have business with grass.’ Richard Hovey

I had to get out. It’s barely above freezing, but I needed my inhale to be full of moving, open air. I am watching my boys. Maddox is trying to hoist his chubby leg up a little higher on a tree. Gideon is stomping madly in the snow, rubber boots glistening and gleeful. My world seems so much smaller when I am closed in on every side. Cries are louder, offenses seem bigger, I start fumbling around my kitchen trying to find something, anything sweet. My life becomes one big blur of laundry, dishes, and diapers. Soon I am unhappy. Dissatisfied. My vision has become as small as the palm of my hand. Then I open my door. I drive down the road or sit out on my deck as I am now. I remember, as the sun washes over me, that life is big, its grand, its an adventure. Sometimes I wish I didn’t need my walls and my ceiling. I wish I could shrug them off, like a withered cocoon. I wish I always felt as part of the world, instead of part of my home.

This adoption has been harder than I thought. I’m a free spirit. I’m pretty easy going. But lately I feel like I am treading water. There’s no movement. No air. My vision has gotten smaller and smaller. I get focused on my expectations, my desires, my plan and walls close in. Everything in my life seems to revolve around this referral.

All my life I have craved adventure. I have sought it out. I married an adventurous man who had open hands to let me live my life out that way. I love being free. I love dipping my toes in waves and letting my hair tangle in wind. I love the sound of jet engines revving. I have always wanted even motherhood to be something spontaneous and wild. It dawned on me today, as I was scrubbing the counter, that adventure is staring me square in the face. Adoption is adventure. It’s wild and crazy and expensive and tumultuous. It’s definitely not for the person who needs everything in a straight line. The ridiculous ups and downs, the mysterious, invisible referral, the entire process- This is what I’ve wanted all my life! To live in the moment, to 'instead of seeing a rug pulled out beneath me, to dance on a shifting carpet'. I’ve wanted suspense and drama and big stories with bigger endings. I’ve wanted this.
And now its here. Drama in my life! Bring it on.