Open Fire

I am standing at the starting line waiting for the gun to shoot. I have actively prepared 1 1/2 years for this moment. I have done the drills, put in months of hard work and determination. I was destined to run this race my whole life. I am standing, toes punching the line, muscles tense, mind and heart focused. Every nerve in my body is buzzing, waiting for the gun to open fire.

I have never in my life felt so much like this. Ever. Not my wedding. Not when I went into labor with my first. Or my second. I had more control over those events, but this referral: this invisible, looming, intangible referral- oh for words.

This morning two AWAA families received referrals from Rwanda. I naturally broke into sweat and began punching my send-receive button every 45 seconds. I am with this group. I have to be. Not long after, I received an email from our Power of Attorney. She said that my referral was ready, has been ready, and that it was up to the ministry when to send it. It could be tomorrow. It could be up to two weeks, but to be watching.

I am beside myself. I am happy. I’m thrilled. I’m disappointed. I’m impatient. I’m delighted for others. I’m jealous. On the outside I am changing diapers, running errands, playing with the kids. But inches deeper, under the surface of my tasks and routine, I am a woman gone mad. If my heart could stuff in another emotion it would surely burst.

Amidst the entourage of emotion, I feel peace. I feel gratitude. My little baby girl is so close to coming home. She is so close to being unveiled. I will see her face. Her fingers. Her hair. Her eyes. In a few days, I will know who she is. My joy abounds.